Lemme take a Selphie
by ryuzaki-vanitas
Summary: 10 years after Kingdom Hearts 2... Sora is gay, Riku is questioning, Kairi is homophobic even though she secretly likes Selphie. Let's see how this turns out shall we? PS: Did I mention that Jiminy is a douche?
1. Everyone talks in caps

10 years after Kingdom Hearts 2...

Sora is gay

Riku is questioning

Kairi is homophobic even though she secretly likes Selphie

Let's see how this turns out shall we?

Sora POV

I lay down on the sandy beaches of Destiny Islands. The sun's rays beamed down onto me, covering my body in warmth. "Hey Sora! Tidus and Wakka against me and you?" a voice called out. I sat up and saw Riku standing over me, smiling.

"Sure, why not?" I grinned, standing up, "We'll beat them anyway!"

"Come on then!" Tidus yelled, waving his wooden sword around.

Riku and I summoned our Keyblades. Wakka whispered something to Tidus before running at me. Tidus blushed.

It didn't take long for us to beat them. "It's not fair! Just because you've got proper weapons..."

"Hey Kairi!" Selphie yelled.

I turned around to find Kairi blushing. She shook her head and smirked at me. "So you and Riku are attacking helpless wooden sword wielders? How very heroic."

"Hey, we're not helpless!" Tidus exclaimed.

"Right, says you lying on the floor, rubbing your head and clutching a toy sword."

"I could take you any day." Tidus hissed.

"Yeah right."

Selphie pulled Kairi away from Tidus and told her to calm down.

Wakka looked at Tidus seductively.

I looked at Riku's long, silver hair. He caught me and I looked away quickly.

Kairi played with her hair while talking to Selphie, a tell-tale sign.

Selphie giggled. Kairi was obviously flirting with her. Probably badly.

I felt Riku's hand touch mine. He made sure not to look at me, but I laced my fingers over his.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING OH MY GOD THAT'S SO GROSS!" Kairi screamed.

"Says you flirting with Selphie!" I countered.

"I wasn't flirting I was-"

"You WEREN'T!?" Selphie cried.

"No, I was, but I wasn't, I mean... I HATE YOU ALL!"

"WE HATE YOU TOO!" I shouted.

"Do you hate me Kairi?" Selphie whimpered.

"No, Selphie I really like you!" she realised what she said, "I mean, you know not LOADS but you know what I mean is-"

"SHE LIKES YOU SELPHIE BASICALLY IT'S SO OBVIOUS." Riku announced.

"OMG REALLY I LIKE YOU TOO KAIRI YAY!"

"OMG YAY!"

"I LIKE RIKU!" I shouted.

"I LIKE SORA!" Riku declared.

"WAKKA AND I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING TOGETHER!" Tidus yelled.

"AND IT'S AMAZING AND I LOVE HIM!" Wakka added.

"YOU'RE ALL FUCKED UP!" Jiminy said.

"SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN HERE YOU LITTLE FUCKTARD!" I yelled.

"THE WHOLE TIME BITCH WHAT YOU GONNA DO?"

I picked him up and threw him in the ocean.

"TAKE THAT YOU WANKER!"

"THAT WAS SO HOT!" Riku said.

Then everyone made out with their crushes and yeah.

Kairi and Selphie eventually got married and shizz. Also they found out that Kairi's a squirter.

Tidus and Wakka became drug dealers and now live in an old warehouse.

Sora and Riku have sex every night and yeah.

Totes.


	2. Jiminy's Return

Previously...

Sora and Riku gotz together

Kairi and Selphie gotz together

Tidus and Wakka gotz together

Jiminy was a douche

That's about it.

Sora POV

Riku and I had been together for two months now. So had Kairi and Selphie. And Tidus and Wakka. We all stayed at Kairi's house the other day. It was quite eventful.

So it started out fine, Tidus and Wakka arrived late because they had fucked in Wakka's before they left.

Kairi and Selphie didn't come downstairs for the first 15 minutes. I wonder why. Anyway we got pissed because Kairi had vodka. While her and Selphie made out for about an hour, we heard the front door open.

"What was that?" I asked.

Everyone shook their heads.

"I'M BACK BITCHES!" Jiminy screamed. He had completely changed his outfit. He had gone completely emo. He even had eyeliner on.

"YOU WILL ALL SUFFER LIKE I DID!" he laughed like a maniac.

"Oh please, you're the most tiny, pathetic thing I've ever seen." Riku hissed.

"NO I'M NOT. I'M THE MOST BADASS CHARACTER IN THE SERIES!"

"Why do you always talk in caps?" Selphie asked.

"Don't break the fourth wall babe, readers hate that." Kairi told her.

"I ACCIDENTLY GOT MY CAPS LOCK STUCK, LONG STORY SHORT, PINNOCIO ISN'T THE MOST INNOCENT LITTLE BOY YOU'VE MET..."

"That's disgusting." Tidus shuddered.

"ANYWAY, I'M YOUR BOSS BATTLE SO PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" He pointed his umbrella at us.

"Seriously?" Riku laughed, "A tiny cricket is going to fight us with an umbrella?"

"IT'S GOT DARK POWERS YOU KNOW."

Sure enough, Jiminy was able to summon Riku Replica.

"Hey, babeeeeeee!" He cried, winking at Riku.

"Omg what." I asked.

"I was getting depressed while I was looking for you."

"Aw that's so sweet!" I beamed."

"Why am I here anyway?" RR asked.

"I SUMMONED YOU. YOU MUST DESTROY THEM NOW!"

"Um, no thanks. This guy kicked my butt." he said, pointing at me, "Bye guys!"

"Byeeeeeeeee!" Selphie yelled.

"UGH THIS SUCKS OKAY I'LL JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU MYSELF!"

"Really?" I asked.

"I'M GOING TO DESTROY YOU AND ALL OF YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE-"

I stood on him and threw him in the bin.

"Okay, I think Jiminy's got some 'issues'" I said.

"You think?" Wakka laughed.

Then everyone had sex with their partners and Jiminy threw up in the bin. He sat on a banana peel, plotting revenge.

"ONE DAY... YOU WILL ALL PERISH AT THE HANDS OF THE DARK CRICKET MUAHAHAHAHA!"


	3. That darn cricket

Previously...

Jiminy was a douche (again)

Everyone had sex

That's pretty much it

Sora POV

So, after the events of last week, there were no sightings of Jiminy. I don't think we'll be staying at Kairi's house again for a while. Anyway, a new kid had joined our school. His name was Roxas and one of our classmates, Axel, seemed to take quite a liking to him.

"Did you see that new kid?" he ranted on at lunch, "He's so hot!"

"Uh oh, we all know what happens when Axel likes someone." Kairi laughed.

"Don't talk about me as if I'm not here!" he yelled.

"She right doe, you end up getting with them, you have a fling for like a week and then you break up!" Selphie explained.

It was true. Axel was the school's heartbreaker, but Roxas didn't know that. For all Roxas knew, Axel was a perfectly nice guy. Little did he know that Axel was an extreme pervert...

Anyway, back to the main story.

Jiminy eventually turned up while we were in school.

"WELL HELLO, WE MEET AGAIN."

"Oh for god's sake Jiminy, we have an exam next week." Riku sighed.

"THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. AND MY NAME ISN'T JIMINY! IT'S THE DARK CRICKET!"

"More like the DARN cricket!" Kairi laughed, "HAHAHAH get it? Anyone?"

Even Selphie shook her head.

"OOOOOKAY... WELL, PREPARE TO DIE, ATTEMPT 3!"

His umbrella turned into a sewing needle.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked.

"YES. I WILL STAB YOU WITH IT. THEY HURT MAN."

"Only because it's like a sword to you."

"I DON'T CARE SHUT UP! YOU WILL DIE."

The 'Dark Cricket' jumped up onto my desk and started poking me with it.

"Ow, knock it off!" I hissed, flicking him off.

He hit the wall and groaned.

"YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS BATTLE, BUT YOU HAVE NOT WON THE WAR!"

"What the actual f-"  
"AUF WIEDERSEHEN BITCHES!"

"That's one fucked up little cricket." Roxas said.

"OMG I WAS THINKING THE EXACT SAME THING!" Axel squealed.

Riku rolled his eyes.

After school, we went to Selphie's house.

You can guess what happened next ;)


	4. BUSTED

**Previously…**

**Jiminy tried to attack Sora with a sewing needle**

**Everyone had sex (again)**

**A new kid joined**

**Axel said he was going to make a move on Roxas. That poor kid. He has no idea what he's going to get himself into if he says yes. Anyway, Riku and I went on a date last night. We went to Nando's because I love me some chicken. Riku put half of the hot sauce on his chicken and said, "Still not as hot as you." So smooth. Then we went to his and he took down my trousers and-**

**"****SORA STOP WRITING IN YOUR DIARY YOU GIRL, THE POPO ARE HERE!" Tidus shouted.**

**"****WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?" I yelled.**

**"****HIDE WAKKA! HIDE THE DRUGS!" **

**"****YOU IDIOT THEY HEARD YOU!"**

**They did. The popo arrested them both. "This wouldn't have happened if you had happened if you hadn't have been such a bastard." Wakka hissed.**

**"****Shut up, dickhead, it was your idea to get into this in the first place!"**

**So Tidus and Wakka are now in prison for 2 years.**

**Oh dear.**

**Kairi and Selphie eventually turned up on the island, with grim faces.**

**"****Jiminy's put sugar and lego all over the floor in my house." Selphie frowned.**

**"****AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN IF YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY SIZE!" Jiminy shouted, bouncing in out of nowhere.**

**"****Oh for fuck's sake, here we go again…" Riku sighed.**

**"****WHAT? YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME SON?"**

**"****You keep ambushing us for no reason. Why are you doing this anyway?" I asked.**

**"****WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY!" He took a deep breath. "FOR 3 YEARS I HAD TO SIT IN YOUR HOOD AND WRITE ABOUT ****_YOUR _****LIFE STORY BECAUSE THE FUCKING QUEEN TOLD ME TOO. FOR ONE OF THOSE YEARS YOU, DONALD AND GOOFY WERE ALL ASLEEP AND I SAT THERE WITH NOTHING TO DO!"**

**"****Explains the insanity…" Kairi muttered.**

**"****AS I WAS SAYING," Jiminy continued, "I HAD NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS AND MY HAND TO OCCUPY ME."**

**"****We don't need so much detail Jiminy…"**

**"****FUCK YOU. NOW I WANT TO GO BACK TO FUCKING TRANSVERSE TOWN AND FIND FUCKING PINNOCHIO AND HIS STUPID FUCKING 'FATHER' SO I CAN GO BACK TO FUCKING NORMAL YOU FUCKING FUCKTARDS!"**

**"****Jesus, you could've just asked. Donald pimped up the Gummi Ship." I said, pointing at the garage next to the boats. Donald was inside, his cap reversed and his staff used as a paintbrush.**

**"****Yo dawgs what's up?" he asked.**

**"****Jiminy wants to go back to Transverse Town." Selphie sighed.**

**"****Yeah fam that's cool. Just lemme get yo ride set up yo."**

**Donald Dawg (as he liked to call himself) got the Gummi Ship ready before telling us to get in.**

**"****Come den blud. One trip to Transverse Town comin' right up, yo."**


	5. Sausages, Haggis and Dicks in Demyx Hut

DEMYX POV

I thought about the footlong sausage buried deep between dem seeded buns. It was dripping with ketchup, mustard and of course, thick white mayonnaise.

"DEMYX YOU DICK WE'VE GOT CUSTOMERS STOP WANKING!" shouted Zexion.

Demyx was abruptly awoken from his sausage fantasy fest by his beautiful lover Zexion, or Sexion as he liked to call him.

"COMING DARLING !" I called out.

I zipped up my fly and swaggered out of the food storage unit. I was met by the hidden face of my emo boyf.

His blue hair complemented his mysterious and pale complexion. Everytime I looked at him, Bring Me TO lIfe by Evanescence played it my head. I also got a boner.

"Demyx, we have loads of customers and you're not doing anything."

"I would be doing you if you weren't being a pussy rn. Also I was working harder than everyone ;)"

"Go out to the front and take orders and I'll give u a bj later."

As soon as I stepped out of the double doors, I realised that my love had deceived me. The only customers were 8 people sitting in a booth. They were talking pretty loudly and I couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"Netflix and chill later? ;)" said the spiky browned haired boiiii.

"Sure thing babe ;D" said the spiky silver haired boiiiii.

"You two are so obviously gay." Said the spiky red hair guuuuuurl, who had been making out with the brown haired gurrrrl.

"You're such a hippokrit, Kairi." Said the blonde boiiii.

"That's not how you spell hypocrite, Tidus." The brown haired guuuurrrlll said.

Kairi hit her "Selphie, stop breaking the god damned fourth wall."

I took a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep breath and…

Belched.

Then I walked over to their table and smiled with my overly white teeth. "Can I take your order?"

The 8 ppl looked up at the fuckboi haired angel AKA me.

The duck spoke first. "ye fam, We bout ta have 8 hamburgers n' 82397543589435 portionz of fries n' some egg fried rice n' some haggis pls brudda."

I stared at the duck.

"what do you be thinkin you lookin at, biatch? never peeped a cold-ass lil def ass duck before? Quack."

"Sorry, I'll bring those right over for you."

I walked back into the kitchen where Zexion had Evanescence's Fallen on repeat. Every. Fucking. Day. He had pots and plates set out and was hitting them like drums with forks and spoons. I shook my head and pulled out (;D) some frozen fries, burgers, rice and haggis and shoved them in the microwave. I was mesmerised by the rotating plate inside the radioactive box. Gordon Ramsay has nothing on this, I thought.

"LARXENE, TAKE THIS TO THE WEIRDOS OVER THERE!"

The blonde, antennae- haired guuurrrrlll came into the kitchen with all the sass of a dominant lesbian mixed with Louie Spence. She rolled her eyes and picked up the microve.

"I don't get paid enough for this. Xion gets to fuck all day and gets way more money than I do."

DONALD POV

Some random blonde lady who looked really angry brought a microwave filled with food to our table. She opened the microwave door and poured out the contents onto the table. Tidus and Wakka ate loads while RIku looked most unimpressed. He'd been used to gourmet burgers fatass cakes from Maleficen't personal kitchen.

"Where the fuck did Jiminy go?" I asked.

"Idk, I'm just glad he's gone." Sora said.

"WHATCHU SAY FOOL? I'M BACK BITCHES!" Jiminy screamed.

The blonde waitress got a fly swatter and started smacking Jiminy.

"EWWWWWW IT'S A COCKROACH KILLITKILLITKILLIT"

"STOP IT YOU INFERIOR CREATURE. I AM THE MIGHTY CRICKET. OMG WAIT IS THAT HAGGIS?" Jiminy jumped on the table and started devouring the haggis.

Suddenly Cid burst in, his crotch way too emphasised.

He humped his way over to the table and winked at Sora. "Guess who's joining in the story now, guyzzzz."

To be continued…


	6. Cid's Package

**A/N: This is the first chapter where both authors actually typed something. The more you know.**

**In the previous episode**:

Suddenly Cid burst in, his crotch way too emphasised.

He humped his way over to the table and winked at Sora. "Guess who's joining in the story now, guyzzzz."

**And so we continue our quest**:

Everyone fell silent. Only the sound of Cid humping the table and Zexzion's sick-ass beats in the kitchen could be heard.

"OHEHMGEE, IS THAT EVANESCENCE?!" Cid said, grabbing up a handful of microwaved fries. Little did he know that he had also grabbed Jiminy.

"YOU FUCKERS!" Jiminy said with his remaining energy.

Cid inhaled that shit like Kirby.

"CID EAT JIMINY!" Said Sora.

Demyx got an erection because he secretly had a vore fetish.

"Screw Jiminy, what you want Ciddy-boy?"

"I gots some of them new gummies n shit."

"Sweet as fuck!" Said Donald. "PIMP MY RIDE!"

Cid pulled a box out of his ass and placed it on the table. He popped that thang open and showed everyone his wares.

"Wow! That's big!" Sora said pointing at Cid's package.

"IKR." Cid said. "Want to try it out? ;)"

And so gangbang started with a bang.

Selphie pounced on Kairi's nipples like a tiger. Kairi moaned but it sounded more like a "WHOOOOO!" than an "uhhh". Meanwhile, Cid was continuously humping the table, grunting like a hippo eating a mango. Riku was balls deep in Sora who was balls deep in Demyx who was balls deep in Zexion who was balls deep in Tidus who was balls deep in Wakka who was balls deep in Donald Dawg. Kairi was munching away at Selphie's freshly baked cookie and Larxene was making out with Xion, who was actually 10 years younger than her. There had been some debate around LArxene and Xion's relaysh, as Xion was 16 and Larxene was 26.

Conviently, everyone came at the same time.

Turns out, Cid's package had actually been full of dildos and vibrators.

Suddenly….

Everyone passed out.

TO BE COCKTINUDE…


	7. Chapter 7: Plot Development (Finally)

**In the previous episode:**

Suddenly...

Everyone passed out.

**And so we continue our quest:**

SORA POV

I awoke to a warm, wet sensation up my arse and on my Johnson. Memories came flooding back of the sweet bang. I opened my eyes only to meet with pitch blackness.

"The fuck..." I heard Selphie moan- Kairi was probably still buried deep in her doughnut.

"I CAN'T FEEL MY DICK!"

"Gawwrsh Donald, let go!"

"...Shit, man. Soz."

"It felt good though, eyyuck eyyuck."Goofy said.

"LET'S GO ROUND TWO!" Sora said, and everyone started gangbangin again.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" A voice said, interrupting the smex.

"Who goesss there~?" Demyx moaned, being anally pounded by Sora.

Suddenly a light turned on in the room...

"'TIS I, CID!" He stood, humping away.

"CID?!" They all gasped.

"You betcha bitches! You all trapped in my kitchen now!"

"Kitchen?"

I looked around. The floor was covered in cum and ketchup (At least, I think it was ketchup). Microwaves lines the walls and there was a mild smell of papayas.

"YES! MY GANBANGIN' KITCHEN, BIATCHESS!"

"Hardcore maaaan." Donald said, smokin' some fresh dope.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH US?!" Kairi said dramatically, pulling her face away from Selphie's split.

"Isn't it SO, like, obvious? Demyx burger has taken Transverse town by storm but what about MY bitch-ass restaurant? HMMMM? What about poor CID'S DINER TM?!"

"Was the TM necessary?"

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE, KAIRI. YOU CAN'T JUST ASK A MAN IF HIS TRADEMARK WAS NECESSARY!"

"#RUUUUUDE!"

"So yeah, anyway- you're gonna work for me and stuff. It's all part of my plan. You see, that case was full of aphrodisiac and you passed out from sexual pleasure. I then scooped you all up with my Little Tykes TM Truck and dumped you here."

"...Now what do we do?"

"GET TO WORK! WE HAVE CUSTOMERS!"

"But we aren't trained!"

"DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A FUCK?!"

Sid the humped his way up the stairs and out of the kitchen. He slammed the door shut behind him.

"WELL SHIT." I said.

**Will our heroes escape Cid's clutches? Will the customers be served? Find out next time on "Lemme Take a Selphie 2.0"!**


	8. The Great Escape

**A/N: Sorry about the irregular uploading, my friend and I are going to be finishing this soon with another 2 chapters. Anyway enjoy this tale of our heroes escaping the clutches of Cid. :D**

**Previously**…

Our hero squad have all been captured by Cid!

Let's find out if they escape unharmed…

SORA POV

Cid had us all slaving away in the kitchen, flippin' hamburgers and all that shit. Demyx looked far too fascinated by the sausages he had on the grill, whilst Zexion was next to him buttering some buns. Kairi and Selphie were making out next to the salad station and Riku was next to me cooking some fries and grabbing my butt every now and then. Larxene and Xion were nowhere to be found.0

Suddenly Cid came back into the kitchen and started yelling out orders.

"We need 365 hamburgder, 674 fry and 563 milkshakes." Cid borked.

"But we don't serve milkshakes…" Demyx stated.

"WE DO NOW." Cid said. "This is a very important order for some very rich n famous clients."

"Who are they?" Kairi asked whilst still making out.

"STAHP THAT!" Cid yelled, "Get back to work! And it is none of your business- just make that good shit." Cid demanded- humping his way back up the stairs.

2SUDDELY! A gorgeous spiky red haired boiiiiiiii appeared at the door.

"AXEL!" The gang screamed with joy

Cid humped his way over to Axel.

"What are you do here"? Cid asked.

"I am here because mentioned since chapter 2" Axel squatted into his pre-battle dance.

"That's sexy." Riku commented. Sora was well jelly.

"Move out the way Cid before I toast your buns ;)" Axel winky faced.

"NEVERRRRR!" He refused.

Something suddenly grabbed Zexion's' ass. IT WAS ROXASSSS!

"WHAT ARE YOU-?!" Demyx yelped before Roxas slapped his face.

"You fucking idiot. Cid will hear. Me and Axel have a plan to get u out of here"

"GAWWWRSH" Goofy gawrshed.

"On the count of three grab some mayo and squirt it all over Cid."

"Sexy." Riku commented.

Axel was still dancin', Cid was hypnotised by his groovy moves. Axel suddenly start singin';

"WHEN YOU WALK AWAY YOU DON'T HEAR ME SAY PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE OH BABY-"

It was then Roxas started to count down.

"Trois, Deux, UNNNNNNN!"" He COUNTED.

The gang all squirted Cid with hot, white fluid. He dramatically turned, His hair flowing as he slipped to the ground. He tried to hump his way back to his feet but there was too much sticky sauce.

"LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" Kairi yelled.

They all ran out of the basement to their main restaurant.

The only seats in the house were taken by Yuffie, Aerith, and Leon.

"HI GUYS!" Sora greeted then. They turned to smile and wave.

"What were you doing in Cid's basement?" Yuffie asked.

"WE WERE KIDNAPPED AND FORCED TO MAKE BURDGERS AND FRY AND MILKSHAKE EVERN THOUGH WE DO NOT MAKE THOSE." Kairi explained.

"Hold on." Donald said, "Where are Larxene and Xion?!" He ask.

"omg ye" Selphie say.

Aerith then spoke up.

"Maybe Cid put them in his orifice."

They all made their way up the stairs, to a door labelled "CID'Z OFFICE".

"I think this might be it." Leon stated.

"Where did you get that idea?" Kairi asked

"Just a hunch" He smirked.

They tried the door but it was lock.

"WHERE IS KEY?" RIKU YELL.

"TRY THIS" Axel yelled throwing a golden bacon slice at him. "I found it in a burger."

They try the key and it was open the door.

Inside, Xion was sitting on Cid's desk, Larxene between her legs. Larxene was licking away like Xion's vagina was a Mr Whippy ice cream. Xion had her hand on the back of Larxene's head and was moaning louder than Cid humping the table.

"YAY, WE FOUND THEM" Selphie cheer.

"What are you up here for?" Goofy ask.

"It was awful Cid made us stay up here and do all of his accounting!" Larxene complained.

"Well, we are free now so let's leave before Cid comes."


End file.
